i'm still breathing.

Soooooooo...........

I cried over a boy for the first time ever last night.

It was the weirdest sensation, really. I mean, one minute i was fine, but then i turned around and the tears came from nowhere! I honestly never thought i would be one of "those" girls, but i guess i proved myself wrong..

There was really no reason to cry.

but.........

what can i say? i am a girl after all.

Well, should i tell you how i got to there? i really don't think it's a good idea, but i guess i'll do it anyways.

4:30 p.m.

He picks me up.

I had spent the past hour trying to find something clean to wear (of course!), and i was so excited because it was just going to be the two of us.

It was raining, but i love rain. And, f.y.i., so does he.

We were going out to eat, and i definitely got us lost... but then i found it!

Anyways, we got there, and we ate. It was cute, just sitting there with him. Everyone around us thought we were a couple, and it was nice to pretend like we were.

6:30 p.m.

We left the restaurant.

Now this is where i began to get really nervous. I had about 40 minutes to talk to him before we got back to my house. I wasted the first 20 stalling, but then there was a long silence. I knew it was my chance to say something, but my heart was beating so fast i couldn't concentrate. My mind raced as i racked my brain for the words i wanted to say, but the only thing that stupid brain could come up with was "i like you", and obviously, this was not how i wanted to begin the conversation.

During the silence, i started to mess with the radio and stopped it on a station i liked. Then, of course, he liked the song and turned it up. I was about to hit myself in the face for losing my opportunity!

I'm pretty sure that was the longest song i've ever heard in my life, too.

Finally, the song ends, and he goes into a story about that band. While he's telling me about them, i'm listening (and it really was interesting), but in my mind i'm like, "Shut up! I don't care right now! WE JUST NEED TO TALK."

But then, that conversation ends.

Another silence.

My heart goes insane. I'm pretty sure it's never beat this fast in my life.

He turns the radio all the way down and says....

"So-and-so says we need to talk, buuuut i don't know what to say."

Another silence.

"This is awkward....."

"Yeah..."

Finally, i was just went for it.

"I like you....a lot."

And then, the words no one EVER wants to hear.

"I like someone else."

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

"I know."

And i did know. He looks at her like i look at him...

After that, he just starts babbling. At one point, he was like, "I don't even know what i'm saying... I don't do these things. I don't even know how i'm doing this right now."

It was cute...

As we were getting off the exit towards my house, he turns to me and goes, "Well, we can consider this my first date, so, you were my first date."

He was my first date too.

This makes me smile.

After the next excruciatingly long 2 minutes, we arrived at my house.

I couldn't even function to grab my things. He got out of the car to help me, then came around to my side of the car. We looked at each other for a second, then he held out his arms. I hugged him, and he hugged me SO tight. So, obviously i hugged him tighter. We stayed in that hug for a lifetime, and i could have stayed there for eternity. When he finally pulled away, i looked at him and said, "Thanks for being a wonderful first date."

He looked at me with eyes full of guilt, and i looked at him with eyes full of pain.

Then he hugged me tight again and kissed me on my forehead.

I turned away and called "goodbye."

As soon as my back turned to him, a single tear fell.

I made it inside and to my room, and the tears rolled over without my permission.

I know i'll be okay, and it's definitely not the end of the world or the worst thing that's ever happened to me, but this was my first rejection. Guys just aren't my thing i guess.....

I've liked him for almost a whole year.

I still like him. He's amazing, even if he's not mine. Whatever makes you happy, babe.

Everything happens for a reason.

"Now present yourselves and see this great thing, which the LORD will do before your eyes."
1 samuel 12:16