Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I love you more, Mom.

Okay, so this is my college essay. I thought I would share it. Enjoy!



To even begin to tell my story, I must tell you about my mother. She has been a solid rock for me when it felt like the earth was collapsing beneath my feet. She is more than my mother; she is my mentor, my role model, my conscious, and most importantly – my mom is my best friend. Having my mom by my side makes life seem like an easy load to carry, and I owe everything to her because she has helped mold me into the aspiring, intelligent and independent young woman I am today.

                Growing up in my household was quite a journey. My sister is 3½ years my elder, which turned out to be a confusing age gap. She was never quite sure whether she should treat me as her friend and equal, or whether she should be protecting me from everything that came my way. After years of practice, she finally settled on a mix of the two, which has brought us very close. My mom and I also had a few weird years where she really just couldn’t decide my maturity level, and to deal with it, she just pretended that I was very young. Once she outgrew that awkward phase, my mom and I became very close, too. She raised me well, and for that I will be ever grateful to her. She gave my sister and I good morals, and she always let us make our own mistakes which helped us to grow. She has always worked until 5 or 6 in the evening, which doesn’t leave much family time, but she always uses the time to her advantage. I will never forget her tucking me into bed every night or our Saturday morning cleaning. No matter what we were doing, she always reminded me of a purpose for the job and gave me a reason to be thankful.

                Though these are my favorite memories, I also have ones I am not too fond of. I have neglected to mention my father yet because he was not a very positive influence on me. He was very argumentative and sometimes just mean. My mother spent my whole life protecting my sister and me from him, and in the process has had to become our mother and our father. When my dad got laid off from work in the fall of 2009, he was never able to find another job. The fighting in our house spiraled out of control and made all of us miserable. My dad suffered from severe depression and abused alcohol and pain medicine. Eventually the pain became too much for him and on May 19, 2012, my dad committed suicide. Though none of us had a good relationship with my dad, words can’t describe the pain you feel when someone you love does this. My life and my entire outlook on life have changed since that moment, but my mother never let me deal with anything on my own. My sister, my mom and I all pushed through the worst summer of our lives together, and today we are stronger because of it. I have learned not to take my own life or my loved ones for granted. This has given me a purpose I never had before. I want to go to college and make something of myself and make my family proud. Most importantly, I know that my mom will need me one day to care for her the way that she has for me, and I want to be there for her and be able to support her.

My mom has been there whenever I needed her and I am eternally grateful. She has done a fantastic job playing the cards she was dealt and for this she is my role model. No, she is not a perfect parent because there is no such thing, but she is the closest you can come to it. I know it sounds cliché, but I have the best mom in the world, and she deserves nothing but the best from me.

Monday, October 22, 2012

He bought soap.

I can't believe this is happening.
As I pace through my house, I walk into my parents bedroom.
When I leave, I don't know what makes me look...
But I turn to my right and there it is.

How can this be?
He's gone, why would this be here?
I am so angry.
How could he do this to us?

There is no way this could have been planned.
I mean, for crying out loud!
Why would he do this before he ended it?
The discovery tears my heart to pieces.


He bought soap.


The news is still fresh on my brain.
This is too much to process.
No, I don't have time for this...
I MUST KEEP MOVING.

But... How can I just ignore this?
I mean, this is all the proof I need.
His intentions were different than his actions.
But actions speak louder than words.

He didn't just give up.
He gave up on me.
He gave up on everyone.
He gave up on God.


But, he bought soap.


So now what do I do?
I know I'll sound crazy.
This is why I keep my mouth shut.
This is why I'll move on.

Yet, I just can't get past it.
How could he change his mind?
This is nothing to make an impulsive decision about...
Though I know he was sick, it still eats at me.

You were a coward.
You were irrational.
You gave up without a fight.
You did the most selfish thing anyone could do.


You bought soap.


But then you killed yourself.


The question will never leave my mind...


Why did you buy the soap?





http://simplynat6280.blogspot.com/2012/10/he-bought-soap.html?m=1






Tuesday, July 17, 2012

My sins are gone.

It's been too long. Oh, how I've missed you my most gracious heavenly Father.
I ran away but I've grown too tired to run to those things anymore.

Missions camp is in ONE WEEK. I couldn't be more thrilled!

Recently, my entire life has changed, and I'm finally ready to embrace it. Lay it on me, oh Lord, I am ready to watch your plan unfold and step back from trying to force mine to happen. My heart's only desire at this moment is to serve my living SAVIOR. I don't know how He always gets my attention this way... but He always does and this time it's different. I'm ready to face the change that needs to take place in my life. I'm not scared... the word is rather... excited. I'm excited.

I'm FINALLY ready to step towards my future. A future with struggles, sorrow, pain, joy, happiness, freedom... My heart has been set free.

Jesus has come to my rescue... again. He never skips a beat. I crave you Lord. I am ready to consume you and for you to consume me. I am ready to love like never before. I am ready to fight for You like never before. I am ready to live for You, only You.

My life is worthless without your grace. My home has always been with You, but I am ready to show You how much I want it now.

It's Your time to shine through me. I am going to shine Your light unto this world.

Lord help me to not fail You and keep my will strong.

So, missions camp, bring it on! I am ready to serve my God!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Life Moves On, With or Without You.

Well, as many of you know, this Saturday will mark the 4th week since the worst day of my life. Sometimes it still doesn't feel real, but other times it feels so real that I just burst into tears. I don't think I'll ever forget May 19th of 2012. It was exactly 2 months before his birthday...


Sunday is Father's Day. It will be the first one I'll have to experience with no dad.


He committed suicide. He shot himself through the head, and when my family and I went to view the body, they had just a rediculous hat on him that he would never wear,because they had to cover the bullet hole. He had a nice suit on and that hat that made him look as if he were a thug about to rob something. It was just really strange. He looked nothing like himself. I went to see him for closure, but what I saw wasn't him.


Many people were shocked to hear the news, but I wasn't. He wasn't a good man anymore. He was sick and had some demons to handle and I guess they got the better of him.


I'm not sad because I miss him. Believe me, our house is just the way I've wished for it to be for the past few years. I'm sad because he never got better. We never got to make up. I was supposed to grow up and come back to him and he was supposed to be healthy and nice. We were both going to apologize and have a good father/daughter relationship for the first time since I was about 9 or 10. But he let me down again. Though I can't say I'm not used to it. I just can't get over the fact that I'll never get to tell him I'm sorry for the things I said to him. Or the fact that my mom's a widow. Or the fact that I now see how many people his death affected because these people truly loved him.


I'm angry. I'm pissed.


His brother committed suicide in the early 90's. One of his best friends committed suicide a few months ago. He saw every angle of how suicide tears families and friends apart. He experienced what it felt like to lose a brother and a friend. Yet he made his 3 remaining brothers and his parents who are in their 80s go through all of this again. And he made countless friends go through this at all.... I know that time heals all, but it's going to take a while to heal these wounds.


I forgive him, but that doesn't make me any less angry or upset.


But, somehow I feel closer to him now than I ever have. I've learned things about him that help me to see the man my mom fell in love with almost 30 years ago. Because no matter what anyone says or how hard I wish, the man I knew and the man I heard about were two different people.


The man I knew:
-followed you looking for an arguement.
-said horrid things to people he loved.
-drank too much.
-was depressed.
-killed himself.


The man I heard about:
-bought a bike at a yardsale and fixed it up for a little girl that lived next door.
-beat up his little brother's bully and made sure no one messed with the Bigelow's.
-had no fear.
-was adventurous.
-had more love in him than he would ever admit.


So, here it is. I was never daddy's little girl, and I didn't like him most of the time these past 5 years, but I loved my Daddy.


Happy Father's Day Dad. I wish things could have been different.



Saturday, May 19, 2012

Waist deep in thought...

Why do we hold on to things we know we can't change?


It honestly makes no sense. It's stupidity at its finest. It's exactly what I've been doing for 5 months now.


I've liked him since March of 2011. I was sitting on my bed one day, just thinking, when I had an epiphany. I literally sat up straight as I realized the strangest thing. I like him. Himmm. Him? Him.... Yes, him. But really, him? Yep. After a year and a half of friendship and countless awkward moments, I finally realized something I think had been in the back of my mind all along. I liked him.

From that afternoon on, my feelings for him grew into something I could have never imagined. This boy became my best friend, someone I could always go to, and someone who never let me down. I shared many a first with him, including my first date. He stuck with me through my crazy moments, and was there for me during sad times. I grew to love this boy very much. He has been there for me every second I needed him, including my first heartbreak (which he kind of caused...).

He let me down so perfectly, gosh, he couldn't even hurt a fly if he wanted to.
Even though I heard everything he told me, and I swear I comprehended it too, I never would listen.
He liked someone else. Someone that wasn't me. Yet, I still insisted that I could convince him that I was better. I've been holding on to a hope that isn't there for 5 months... 5 MONTHS.

There's NO POINT in me sitting here being sad about something that's out of my control.
As much as it breaks my heart to let go of him, I know that it hurts twice as bad to hold on.

As this school year comes to a close, I am forced to accept the fact that things will never be the same again. Many of my friends are graduating and moving on to the rest of their lives, him included. I'm not quite sure how to handle this, for it's something that I've never had to deal with on this scale before. Next year will be my first year of highschool without these people that have become so important in my life. Knowing that I won't leave school every day and ask them what they want to do for the afternoon is absolutely killing me.

Why do all good things come to an end?

Despite this temporary depression that has come over me, I know that everything will be alright.
I also know that there always comes a time when you must let go of the things you love.

So, here I go. I'm letting go of everything I've held on to so tightly for the past year.

I'm never going to change his mind. Some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how much your heart tends to disagree.

You'll always be in my life and my heart, and for this reason I am able to let you go.
I love you so much Luis.
I hope that one day you find someone who cares for you as much as I do and I hope you care just as much back. And please, please please please, fall madly in love with her.
What I want most is for you to be happy.
I hope you find your happiness out in the world when you leave this small town.
And when you find it, never let it go.
And I promise to do the same things for myself that I listed above for you to do.

So, here's to the rest of my life?

It's far past time for a new beginning.














Au revoir mon amour.



It's time for new memories with you.









Friday, April 13, 2012

55 things you don't really need to know about me.

Ten things you want to say to ten different people (no names) :
1. Words could NEVER describe how much to mean to me. You've forever changed me and my life, but I couldn't imagine it without you.
2. You do so much for me. I'm so sorry I don't appreciate you like I should. You are the most wonderful person on on the planet; you deserve so much more. I love you.
3. It's not like I decided one day to not like you anymore... you've let me down my whole life. I'm so dissapointed in you. You've ruined me. But no matter how much I defend my pride, I really just want to love you. Why do you have to make that so hard?
4. You are the most amazing man I have ever met. Please marry me now. I promise our babies will be cute. Never stop being you. You're perfect just the way you are. I love you!
5. Why do you like her? I hope that one day you will see what your emotions have blinded.
6. Why must you insist on pretending like everything's okay? Is it really so wrong to not get along with someone? Can't we call an end and just move on and quit acting like we're friends? Quit sweet talking me and going behind my back with vicious comments. You're wasting your breath. It's so unneccessary.
7. We agree on nothing when it comes to the things that really matter, but I love you just the same. Never forget your home. I hope one day you'll come back to it again.
8. I will never understand how someone could do you so wrong. Don't worry about them anymore; they're obviously not worth your time. I'll always be here and I'll always love you.
9. Stop acting like you know so much. You are young to this world and have hardly any experience. You don't love these people, and one day you'll see the illusion for what it really is, but for now, just shut up!
10. You're so awesome. I hate the path you had to travel, but it shaped you into something so beautiful.


Nine things about myself :

1. I dyed my hair once.... I'll never do it again.
2. I'm drawn to sad things. I mean, my favorite movies are A Walk to Remember, Titanic, and The Notebook..
3. I've been dancing for as long as I can remember. I'm not that good, but I do it for the feeling.
4. I've been singing since I said my first words.
5. I have a best friend, and I'll call her that for the rest of my days.
6. I fell hard. And let me tell you, the crash hurts.
7. I have freckles and a crooked smile.
8. I'm one of the palest people I know.
9. I love God.

Eight ways to win my heart:

1. Love me completely with no limits.
2. Don't buy me gifts, the ones from the heart are the ones that matter most.
3. Know how to be romantic and know how to be just chill.
4. Be really weird, and don't be scared of it.
5. Make me want you with your every move.
6. It's obviously not necessary, but knowing a sexy language is definatly a plus.
7. Always be there for me, and I promise to return the favor.
8. I want you to want me, but I want you to wait for me. Let me know I'm worth it.

seven things that cross my mind a lot : 


1. You. You know who you are.
2. Jenna.
3. Money.
4. School.
5. God
6. The future.
7. My dad.

Six things i do before i fall asleep:

1. Brush my teeth.
2. Shower.
3. Slip into something comfy.
4. Drink some water.
5. Turn on my TV because I don't like the dark.
6. Think.

Five people who mean a lot  to me :

1. Jenna.
2. My Mom.
3. Mary Grace.
4. Aunt Dawn
5. Him

Four things your wearing right now :

1. Sweatpants
2. Tanktop.
3.
4.
uhhh... that's kind of it. hahahaha!

three songs you listen to often :

1. Paradise - Coldplay
2. Safe and Sound - Taylor Swift & The Civil Wars
3. Happiness - The Fray

two things i want to do before i die :

1. Fall in love.
2. Change someone's life.

one confession :

1. I listen to everything someone tells me, but I'll only use your advice about half of the time.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Jen-Jen

Allow me to introduce you to the most amazing person ever, Jenna Elizabeth Miller.
An ordinary name for the strangest person on the face of the planet!
She has been my best friend for 7 years now. However, even with those words, best friend, bolded, I don't think you quite understand their meaning.

She is always there when I need her.
She always knows when something's wrong, even when I don't tell her.
She says the oddest things that always make me giggle!
She isn't afraid to be herself.
She listens to pretty much every kind of music, even some things that are pretty "out there".
She dances like a white girl.
So do I.
We have way too many inside jokes for me to even remember.
We have so many things in common, but we have hardly anything in common.
We look nothing alike.
We can agree to disagree.
We wear the same size pants.
No matter how much either one of us packs, we still manage to have to borrow something.
We always leave something at eachother's houses.
We do not have the same taste in guys.
We eat the oddest things together.
We come up with games like "pancake tennis".
Somehow it feels that our stomachs double in size when we eat together.
We can be silly and we can be serious.
I can talk to her about anything, as can her to me.
She means the world to me and I would die for her.
She lives in Kentucky now and you still couldn't seperate us if you tried.
She loves me more than all the oceans,
and I love her more than all the stairs on my front porch.
No one could ever replace her.
She is wonderful.
She is my best friend.

Thank you Jenna for all that you have done, are doing, and have yet to do. I love you so much.
xoxo,
Emily